I feel excited because I FINALLY feel like I have a somewhat clear idea of where the Lord is taking me, and how to get there. I am not suggesting I have a specific picture of what my life will look like at any point in the future, but I do have a clearer sense than ever of some of the likely characteristics of the life the Lord has called me to. Among these are a focus on discipleship-oriented ministry, building and sustaining the local church, and helping people interact with God through music, art, and liturgy. Much of my excitement stems from my conviction that good theological training will be the foundation of all of these ministries, and my life in general.
I feel some fear because of my less-than-stellar (to put it lightly) academic performance in college. I basically got my ass kicked in my undergraduate program, and the fact that I even graduated is a testimony to the Lord's sovereign grace. There are a lot of reasons, internal and external, for my somewhat embarrassing college transcript, many of which are different or nonexistent today. For one, my reasons for pursuing a bachelor's degree were essentially cultural, and my motivations inherently vague. In other words, I went to college because that's what smart, ambitious, middle-class white kids do, and I didn't take a specific interest in any area of study. I (eventually) chose my major by figuring out which one I had the most credits for, and picking that one (East Asian studies). I didn't REALLY want to pursue a career in that field (though I did feel compelled to pretend to, and even interview for jobs using Japanese despite my inability to read or write in that language at an elementary school level).
As I begin my grad school career (which I swore I would never do), I have a very different set of motivations. I think very few people should pursue seminary degrees, and those who should do so really ought to feel called to it. Most people don't need to spend such incredible amounts of time and money learning the finer points of systematic theology and two dead languages. These are NOT essential to the Christian life, and the VAST majority of Christians throughout history will live and die never having read a word of Calvin or Augustine or NT Wright. And that's probably a good thing. I'm not doing these things because I think they will make me a better Christian, but because I believe that through this course of study, the Lord will show me how He wants to use me to build and strengthen His kingdom by making disciples.
I feel curiosity because this will be new territory for me. I spent the first and largest part of my Christian life in a decidedly Arminian, Pentecostal context; I will be studying in an unashamedly Calvinist context for the next several years. I'm not sure I'll agree with everything I hear and read at RTS, but then I didn't agree with much of what I heard at my church in college either. I hope that in 10 years I will look back at both as places where the Lord strengthened my faith.
The confidence I feel is a new flavor of confidence. In spite of the fears I described above, I am hopeful that the Lord will indeed use this time of focused study to prepare me for what is to come. Because I feel called to go to seminary, I am confident that the purposes of the One who has called me will be fulfilled. I also have begun to see the ways in which He used my turbulent years in college to humble me, to stretch me, to teach me, to refine me, and this gives me hope. My confidence is not in my ability to do well in school, or even that seminary will not be difficult, but rather that where the Lord has called me, He will also protect and sustain me.
I'll hopefully be posting regularly on here as I embark on this new journey. Check back regularly for thoughts, anecdotes, quandaries, and more!
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